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Ich (m, 34) weiß einfach nicht, wie ich andere Menschen davon überzeugen kann, dass "Das Leben ist sinnlos" für mich keine leere Phrase ist ... und ich bin derzeit verdammt einsam

2020.07.22 04:59 bickid Ich (m, 34) weiß einfach nicht, wie ich andere Menschen davon überzeugen kann, dass "Das Leben ist sinnlos" für mich keine leere Phrase ist ... und ich bin derzeit verdammt einsam

Hi erstmal,
nachdem ich andere Threads hier gelesen habe, in denen es anderen teils ähnlich geht wie mir, hab ich den Mut und die Motivation gesammelt, hier auch mal zu schreiben. Mit welchem Zweck weiß ich nicht, vielleicht einfach, um es jemandem erzählen zu können, der es nicht als Spinnereien eines Versagers/Verrückten (psych. Krankheit = "verrückt" hier in der Familie ...) beiseite fegt, sondern tatsächlich zuhört bzw. liest. Dafür schon jetzt: Danke.
Probleme gibt es einige bei mir, ich will mich allerdings auf zwei beschränken: 1.) Die Sinnlosigkeit und 2.) meine akute Einsamkeit.
Nun leide ich an Depressionen (wer hätt's gedacht *guckt auf Namen dieses Subreddits*) und war auch schon längere Zeit in Therapie, zuletzt in einer Klinik für Adipositaspatienten (extremes Übergewicht ist auch eines meiner Themen ...). Es ist also nicht so, dass ich mich jeglicher Hilfe entziehen würde, im Gegenteil, im November findet der nächste Klinikbesuch statt, einem Intervallverfahren folgend. In Bezug auf mein Gewicht hilft das auch wirklich, ist man doch in einer kontrollierten Umgebung und hat lauter ähnlich motivierte Leute um sich. Leider ist meine Depression, so jedenfalls beschreibe ich es, zweifach-gestaffelt. Na klar, liegt ein Teil meiner Depression in meinem Übergewicht begrünndet. Mit 200kg geht einfach nichts mehr, da will ich einfach nur noch zuhause bleiben, um nicht gesehen zu werden; gleichzeitig ist das Verlangen nach Kontakten groß (dazu später), aber eben unmöglich - wer will schon mit einem Loser-Fettsack abhängen, von Dating ganz zu schweigen - alles unter der Prämisse, ich würde rausgehen, haha. Würde ich erfolgreich abnehmen, und ich bin dran, würde dieser Teil meiner Depression bestimmt verschwinden. Nicht sofort, vielleicht auch nicht permanent, aber doch größtenteils. Ich hatte schon mal 70kg abgenommen und mich gut gefühlt, ich weiß also, dass es besser werden kann. Der andere Teil meiner Depression ist aber in eiskalter Logik begründet, die ich schlichtweg nicht wegreden kann.
In meinen Augen gibt es drei Arten von Depressionen: 1.) traumatische Depression, die durch Erlebnisse ausgelöst wird; 2.) biochemische Depression, die durch Hormonstörungen oder andere körperliche Fehlfunktionen zustande kommt; und 3.) die logische Depression, die sich durch konsequentes Nachdenken ergibt. Was soll das heißen?
Ich sehe keinen Sinn im Leben. Klingt erstmal nach Mischung aus Plattitüde und "tu's nicht!", aber weder ist es Ersteres, noch muss man bei mir Zweiteres befürchten, würde ich nie tun. Aber nachdenken tu ich. Über den Tod. Und zwar jeden Tag.
Mein Gedankengang, der gar nicht so umfangreich und verschwurbelt ausfällt, ist Folgender: Wenn nach dem Tod nichts ist (und davon muss man ausgehen, wenn man nicht hoffnungsvollen Fantasien hinterher hängen möchte), dann ist alles sinnlos, was vorher geschieht. Denn egal wie toll mein Leben auch sein könnte, am Ende bin ich tot, weg, höre auf zu existieren. Und wenn ich, und es geht mir nachdrücklich um dieses "Ich", nicht mehr existiere, dann ist mir auch alles egal. Eben weil nichts mehr von mir da ist, dem irgendetwas nicht egal sein könnte.
Ich habe das durchaus schon ein paar Menschen erzählt, unter anderem meinem aktuellen Therapeuten, 2-3 "Freunden" (reine Online-Kontakte, mit denen ich hin und wieder chatte) und meiner Tante, die die einzige Person ist, mit der ich mich irl einmal im Monat zum Essen treffe. Gerade Letztere hat exemplarisch reagiert, wie ich finde, weil so wohl die meisten Menschen reagieren würden, wenn sie mich hören: Sie hat angefangen zu erzählen, dass sie für ihre Bestattung schon alles organisiert hat, alle Kosten gedeckt sind, und dass sie damit niemandem zur Last fallen möchte. Und Ende. Kurzum: Sie hat überhaupt nicht begriffen, dass es mir nicht um irgendwelche praktischen Umstände des Sterbens geht, sondern die Bedeutung der ureigensten Existenz. Auch mein Therapeut antwortet darauf ausweichend, fällt zurück auf typische "Was können sie tun, damit es besser wird?"-Formulierungen und stürzt sich auf jede Kleinigkeit, die positiv ausgelegt werden kann. Doch es geht mir ja gar nicht um positiv/negativ, sondern um den schnöden Fakt, dass das Leben sinnlos ist, wenn mit dem Tod alles aus und vorbei ist. Was freilich in meinen Augen negativ, vor allem aber eben Tatsache ist (es sei denn, da ist doch irgendwas danach, aber, naja, ...)
Sollte hier jemand eine Antwort parat haben, freue ich mich natürlich auf alles, was ich bekommen kann, dennoch verhält es sich für mich dergestalt, dass an meiner Logik alles durchdacht ist. Leider. Ich nehme zur Verdeutlichung meiner Logik gerne berühmte, historische Personen zu Hilfe, bspw. Albert Einstein. Einstein ist unvergessen dank seiner Lebensleistungen, noch lange nach seinem Tod, und man wird ihn noch in hunderten von Jahren kennen. Aber: Das ist Albert Einstein selbst, pardon, s***ßegal, denn der ist tot und existiert nicht mehr. Das ist symbolisch für uns Lebende vielleicht ein netter Gedanke, in der Erinnerung anderer Menschen unsterblich zu sein, eine greifbare Bedeutung für die eigene Existenz hat es jedoch nicht im Geringsten. Deshalb finde ich z.B. den beliebten Heldentod aus Filmen/Videospielen/Büchern nervig, weil diese Helden einfach nichts davon haben, sich zu opfern. Ob derjenige, den sie retten, weiterlebt oder doch noch getötet wird, spielt für den toten Held keine Rolle mehr, denn er existiert nicht länger. Für mich ist der Heldentod daher eher zu einer Art Suizid verkommen, a la "Ich kann nicht in einer Welt leben, in der derjenige, den ich retten könnte, tot ist, also bringe ich mich selbst um, indem ich mich in den Angriff des Bösewichts werfe - und vielleicht rettet es denjenigen, den ich so sehr wertschätze, nebenbei auch noch". Mehr ist es letztlich nicht.
Nun liegt euch beim Lesen des drüberen Textes vielleicht auf der Zunge, ich wäre akut gefährdet, mir etwas anzutun - doch weit gefehlt. Ich will am liebsten NIE sterben. Ich habe Angst vor dem Tod, vor dem Sterben, und der Sinnlosigkeit, die er mit sich bringt. Tatsächlich habe ich begonnen, ein kleines Buch zu verfassen, in dem ich versuche, logisch herzuleiten, wie denn der Sachverhalt aussehen müsste, sollte es gegen jede aktuellen wissenschaftlichen Erkenntnisse *doch* eine Seele geben ("Seele" als allgemein nachvollziehbarer Begriff für den "Rest", der weiterexistiert; ich bin absolut nicht religiös, wenngleich auch kein Atheist-Hardliner). Dabei bin ich mittlerweile soweit, dass ich mir über mittlere Zeiträume hinweg sogar einreden kann "Joa, vielleicht ist das ja wirklich so, dann ist doch nicht alles sinnlos". Aber das setzt nunmal voraus, *dass* da ein "Rest" verbleibt und nicht Nichts ist. Selbst im optimistischsten Szenario eine 50:50-Chance - nichts, worauf man seine, literally!, Existenz verwetten möchte.
Und das ist sie also, meine "logische Depression", die auch nach einem erfolgreichen Gewichtsverlust nicht verschwinden wird. So wie ich das sehe, machen sich die meisten Menschen etwas vor, indem sie sich dieser Tatsache entziehen, und geben sich einer Illusion hin. Der Illusion, dass das, was sie tun, Sinn hat. Und weil fast alle das tun, klappt es und jemand wie ich ist der spinnerte Außenseiter. Ich kann schon verstehen, dass man sich nicht mit dem Thema Tod beschäftigen möchte, weil es eben unangenehm ist, aber dadurch, dass es wirklich jeden von uns betrifft, sollte man sich dem vielleicht doch stellen, jeglicher Unannehmlichkeit zum Trotz. Zumindest soweit, dass man nachvollziehen kann, wenn jemand (so wie ich) nicht dazu in der Lage ist, sich selbst zu täuschen und auszutricksen mit all den üblichen Ablenkungen des Lebens (Job, Haus, Auto, Beziehung, Nachwuchs, etc). Einfach anerkennen, was Tatsache ist. Und mich nicht als wertlosen Versager abzustempeln, der von Hartz4 lebt und fett ist. Denn darauf reduziert mich (vor allem) mein familiäres Umfeld: Fett und arbeitlos, that's it, das ist meine Identität. Was ich sonst tue, was ich denke, was ich fühle, alles egal. Wie sehr sehne ich mich danach, dass einfach mal Leute sagen "hey, das klingt leider echt logisch, was du sagst. Ich kann mir das so gar nicht vorstellen, aber wenn du deshalb nicht arbeitest und mit Hartz4 zufrieden bist, dann ist das okay. Lass uns doch mal nächstes Wochenende was gemeinsam unternehmen!" - selbstverständlich wiederum unter der unrealistischen Annahme, ich würde derzeit meine Wohnung für soziale Treffen verlassen ;D
Das klingt im letzten Absatz jetzt so, als wäre meine Familie das Übel, aber darum geht es nicht. Es geht darum, dass andere Menschen wirklich zuhören und verstehen, was ich sage, und es nicht als dummes Gefasel abtun, denn wer fett und arbeitslos ist, der muss natürlich auch dumm sein. Sonnenklar, oder? :/
Puh. Uff.
Und damit ohne geschickte Überleitung zu Problem #2: Einsamkeit
So einsam wie derzeit war ich noch nie im Leben. Ich hatte schon immer (seit Schulende) nur wenige Freunde, weil ich aufgrund meines Übergewichts (seit der 4. Klasse) immer schüchtern, zurückhalten, verschämt war. In der Schule war ich immer mit den Strebern und Nerds zusammen, obwohl ich gar nicht deren 1er-Schnitte erreichen konnte. Latein fand ich toll und hatte dort immer etwas zwischen 1 und 2, in anderen Fächern hingegen war ich Durschnitt, habe mir durch meine Anhänglichkeit an einen damaligen Freund sogar mein Abitur versaut (3,2er Schnitt ... warum nur hab ich Physik-LK gewählt ...). Dann war die Schule vorbei, der erste Studienversuch begann, scheiterte am Übergewicht, der zweite Studienversuch scheiterte ebenso. Dann eine (wow, sogar erfolgreich beendete) Ausbildung zum Augenoptiker, ein Beruf, den ich nie wieder ausüben möchte nach drei Jahren Hölle, und anschließend ein dritter Studienversuch, derselbe Studiengang wie beim ersten Mal, ich hatte abgenommen, es es gab ihn als Bachelor statt Magisterstudiengang, was ich toll fand ... und dann habe ich in der WG in München massiv zugenommen, bis mir der Gang zur Uni so unangenehm war, dass ich schließlich, als das erste Referat anstand (ich habe seit Kindeszeit an extreme Angst vor Referaten, wohl wegen meines Übergewichts und der damit einhergehenden Scham. Nein, das ganze Gerede von wegen "mit der Zeit gewöhnt man sich an Referate, das wird besser" ist Unsinn ...), wieder abgebrochen habe. Zum Glück kam ich recht fix aus der WG raus und lebe seitdem wieder bei meinen Eltern, die immerhin ein sehr großes Haus haben, in dem ohnehin zig Räume leer stehen, weil sie nicht an Fremde vermieten wollen. Zumindest an der Stelle habe ich kein schlechtes Gewissen, weil meine derzeitige Wohnung einfach ungenutzt leer stünde, wenn ich nicht darin wohnen würde. Und hier bin ich also, das ist der aktuelle Stand.
An Freunde war bei alledem nie zu denken. An der Uni nicht, weil ich bei den ersten beiden Studienversuchen nicht in München wohnen konnte, sondern jeden Tag pendelte, mal mit dem Zug, mal als Mitfahrer meiner Mutter, die dort arbeitet. Für mich war jeder Tag purer Stress, der sich erstmal vor allem damit beschäftigt hat, wie ich am besten/effizientesten hin und wieder zurück komme. Aus Bequemlichkeit bin ich so oft es ging mit meiner Mutter gefahren, die um 6 Uhr früh losfuhr - ich durfte also regelmäßig dann 2-3h in der Uni warten, bis die Vorlesung losging. Abends zuhause war ich fix und fertig, einfach nur froh, zuhause zu sein, und habe dabei natürlich die Nachbereitung des Studiums vernachlässigt. Da ich (nach wie vor) begeisterter Gamer und Online-Forendiskutierer war, war ich dann wenigstens noch bis Mitternacht wach, was bedeutete, dass ich wenig mehr als 5 Stunden Schlaf hatte, über mehrere Semester hinweg.
Wie man sich nun denken kann: Zeit für Freunde blieb da nirgends. Wenn ich es denn überhaupt gewollt hätte wegen meines Übergewichts. Zumindest während meiner Ausbildung hatte ich endlich mal soziale Kontakte ... aber wenn man Arbeitskollegen zu Freunden macht, ist das halt auch irgendwie geschummelt. Wenigstens hatte ich zu dem Zeitpunkt sozialen Umgang und mich auch nicht einsam gefühlt, durchgehalten habe ich aber nur, weil für mich von Anfang an feststand, dass ich diese 3 Jahre Ausbildung nur für meine Eltern mache, damit die sehen, dass ich "was in der Hand habe". Ja, völlig bescheuert, aber wenn alle Welt (auch die damalige Therapeutin) einen dazu drängt, zu arbeiten, tut man sowas halt. Für mich war der Job die Hölle, einzig besser gemacht durch die Aussicht auf ein Ende und ein paar tolle Arbeitskollegen. Müsste ich jetzt jedoch wieder als Augenoptiker arbeiten ... ich würde mich wohl einfach in Fötalposition auf den Boden legen und hoffen, dass die Situation vergeht. So sehr widert mich die Vorstellung an, wieder Brillen verkaufen zu müssen und alles, was dazugehört. Danach also wieder Studium, sogar mit WG diesmal. Die WG-Bewohner waren okay, allerdings war auch hier mein Übergewicht wieder der ausschlaggebende Faktor, und so kam es, wie es immer gekommen war: Ich auf meinem Zimmer, die Welt da draußen, und irgendwann kam der dritte Studienabbruch. Hattrick!-oder so.
Zu "guter" Letzt gab es denn auch noch Zwist mit dem Chef einer Gaming-Website, für die ich über zehn Jahre schrieb, und ich verlor auch diesen letzten Halt, auf den ich immer stolz war. Es war zwar alles unbezahlt, aber die Website hatte damals deutschlandweite Relevanz, man bekam kostenlos Spiele, um sie zu testen, und, und, und. Und dann war das vorbei. Und jetzt habe ich noch 2-3 Leute von dort, mit denen ich hin und wieder in Whatsapp oder Discord chatte, aber ein gesundes Miteinander ist das in meinen Augen halt nicht. Alle wohnen weit weg, existieren also nur virtuell/digital, im realen Leben bin ich allein in einer konservativen, bayerischen Kleinstadt, umgeben von noch konservativeren "Machtmenschen", denen ich nichts entgegnen darf, weil sonst der Rauswurf droht, und wegziehen brächte andere Probleme mit sich, über die ich an dieser Stelle nicht auch noch schreiben will. Kurzum: Ich bin allein. Und das ist echt nicht so toll. Also eigentlich gar nicht.
Die Schwierigkeit dabei ist, dass ich überhaupt nicht weiß, wie ich etwas daran ändern könnte. Rausgehen trau ich mich nicht, da macht mich schon das Rausbringen das Mülls und das gelegentliche Einkaufen im Supermarkt via Fahrrad fertig. Mir würden "Online-Freunde" reichen, nur selbst das bekomm ich nicht mehr hin, seit die zuvor erwähnte Website aufgelöst wurde. Auf Twitter habe ich eine zeitlang aktiv mitgemacht, bis mein Account grundlos gesperrt wurde und auf Anfrage kam "war ein Versehen, sie werden demnächst entsperrt". Darauf warte ich seit zwei Monaten, auch weitere Nachfragen blieben unbeantwortet. Einen neuen Account möchte ich nicht mehr erstellen, denn welchen Sinn hat es, sich langsam eine eigene Community von Followern/Follos aufzubauen, wenn man durch Willkür schlagartig alles verlieren kann :/ Was also dann? Reddit wäre eine Möglichkeit, aber egal wohin ich mich wende, ich habe immer das Gefühl, Fremdkörper zu sein, wenn ich mich in fest etablierte Communitys einbringen würde. Wenn ich mal diskutiere, dann nämlich sehr selbstbewusst (absolut gegenteilig zu meinem irl-Auftreten), und das ziemt sich als Neuling natürlich nicht, bewirkt eher Ablehnung.
Deshalb bin ich weiterhin einsam. Ich wusste nicht, dass man überhaupt so einsam sein kann. Die Tage fliegen dahin, bedeutungslos und ohne Rhythmus, mal hier ein Wegwerf-Kommentar auf disqus, mal dort ein "shitpost" im Kommentarbereich einer Gaming- oder Anime-Website. Aber nichts Beständiges, kein Kontakt zu Leuten, mit denen langfristig diskutiert werden kann. In Verbindung mit Problem #1 (Sinnlosigkeit), ist das echt extra-doof. Und so liege ich oft im Bett (nachts oder tags, je nach dem, wann ich müde werde) und stelle mir vor, wie es wohl wäre, zu sterben. Wie ich mich auflöse, in irgendeine Art von Energie, und im Weltall davontreibe - Unsinn selbstverständlich, denn wie sollte sich jemand, der nicht länger existiert, irgendetwas vorstellen können.
Sorry, dass das jetzt so lang wurde, war nicht meine Absicht, aber das ist halt die Hoffnung, tatsächlich verstanden zu werden und zu vermeiden, dass irgendwelche Missverständnisse aufkommen. Wie eingangs erwähnt, weiß ich selbst nicht, was ich mit diesem Thread eigentlich will. Vermutlich hoffe ich entfernt, doch noch Kontakt zu Leuten zu finden. Zumindest aber hat jemand mal (halbwegs) alles gehört, was mir durch den Kopf geht. Danke für die Aufmerksamkeit ...
submitted by bickid to depression_de [link] [comments]


2020.07.19 02:00 chiravs (Long post) hoe do i moveI move on, knowing she has this condition she has “no” control over

My (ex 27f) gf that I’ve been with for 8,5 yrs just left me (29m) and our dog without any “reason”. I feel devastated and there have been some rough times.. like we’ve been trough things together cause of her behavior. A few months back I noticed a pattern in her behavior and went trough her phone, obviously she threw and extreme fit afterwards simply cause she knew she was wrong. Anyhow, the pattern was that she was being extremely negative and complaining towards some of her “friends” about me, my mom, family surrounding us.. completely out of the blue about anything.. So I confronted her and said. I’m not even mad, like how can you say stuff like this about the guy you’ve been with for so long, has been trough all your rants and bs and still fights for you. Cause this was the 2/3rd time this occurred I drew a line and said, this is absurd, we’re going to see a doctor or this is it. She had my heart and broke it 6 times a week and I felt mostly like shit. The simp I am, I guess, I knew she was hurt and couldn’t control it, she always cried after she realized she was wrongfully dark and negative about everything and I just loved her for who she also could be. The other side of her. We also had a dog together and amazing love for animals and walking with our dog and doing simple stuff. So mainly I’m saying, we had it good, always, but she always turned things around to negative things and then I ended up spending a lot time talking to her (basically giving attention to her negative feelings, that weren’t real, except in her head) and now I said no. We’re not giving this shit attention anymore, I know it’s bs, and you know it, now you can choose what you want things to be.
Her mom died when she was 12 and her dad and brother kinda said: yeah.. your impossible and good luck with your behavior. When I met her, she was a mess, eating disorder, extreme mood swings and negativism towards anyone close to her. Soon to be me as well. We been trough it all, I’ve made some mistakes during the relationship and completely acknowledged the pain I caused her.. But she never acknowledged me. My path, problems I faced or things I went through at any moment.
So now we were at the doctors, my doctor, cause I wanted somebody good for her and my doctor is just amazing. Helped me out a lot! So we arrived and I kinda explained, as soon as my gf spoke it turned into bad stuff and the doctor actually gave her sympathy.. I broke and shed some tears and explained to the doctor this was exactly the problem. Everything is turned negative and it’s just not like that. I supported her with everything and always went out of my own way to make sure she was good. The doctor asked her if this were true and she couldn’t say no. Simply cause it was the truth. The doctor then said: then maybe it’s time to take responsibility don’t you think? And it’s kinda amazing this guys still with you after all this.. Have you ever been diagnosed? And then the shit hit the fan and it actually started to make sense. She had been talking to some people and also participated in a group and she was diagnosed with multiple personality disorders and borderline. And she was like, yeah, that’s kinda what it is and being a bit vague about it. Like it didn’t matter that much cause it was so long ago and it wasn’t really, maybe, accurate enough. But the doctor said some things back and asked her if she was open to take some medication.. they later had their own appointment and she agreed.
Things went incredibly well and I was in heaven for a few months. She was happy, like jumping around when we walked in the forest with our dog. Making jokes and pushing me around.. I’ll never forget that she then said: I feel really happy and we’re really in a good thing together. I said to her: hmmm, I’m happy with you as well and I always was, but what changed (wink)? And then she kinda said: hm yeah, I guess nothing really changed except for me and how I see and deal with things now. Still hesitant cause she never could say something was “wrong with her”. She felt like acknowledging the bpd part made her less of a person and I tried to tell her, acknowledgement of these things gives you perspective and makes you grow in every way. I love her anyway and gave my whole heart at this point. In these months we talked about the future and stuff I dealt with, I was at home mostly with our dog working on my health cause I recently heard I have chronic fatigue syndrome.
So three or so weeks ago I noticed she was saying some stuff about stuff again. Using words she used when she was and felt so dark, keeping her phone on her all the time again. Being weird about simple stuff and I asked her if something was up.. of course there wasn’t, she fell into this bubble she created with people from her new job and was again always on her phone. So one night I said, why are you on your phone all the time again..? I grabbed her phone jokingly and said let me see. She went mad in a split second and I was like woahhhh, here, I don’t want it, don’t get so worked up. This behavior continued and I didn’t got a grip on her. I spend more time telling her I loved her and how I thought she was amazing working so much, coming home and work out with me and that she looked beautiful. Not a lot later I went trough her phone when we were on a run, she was hiding something and I didn’t get why or what. Turned out she was texting a guy, from work, flirtish.. I broke inside, asked her why she would be like this with him and she was like yeah: you were a bastard also a few years ago.. I tried telling her I know, but I wasn’t anymore, and ask her why did she think this was okay? Don’t you love me anymore? You like this guy? What’s wrong, we where in such a good spot for so long and didn’t get this. She told me nothing was wrong, I sat with the feelings and her behavior continued. Being online without texting or responding, being weird and negative about stuff. I felt lost, we talked about the future, ran together, I could share my feelings for the first time in our relationship and I was seeing myself getting old with her.
This evening she was at a colleague, online all the time, ignored my messages, didn’t pay any attention to the things I send other chats we were in together. When she got home I took her phone and just wanted to fcking know what was up, just stop playing with me and be honest. There it was: she said I’m done leave me alone I’m going. Without any understanding of what I’ve been going trough the last few weeks. She wanted to leave and I pulled her away from the door, I said: your not leaving like this, all this is, is me being hurt and want you to tell what’s going on? She then took a shower and I came up to her and told her I’m sorry for behaving like this, I asked her if she understood why I felt like she didn’t give a damn about me anymore. Texting with a guy, being like this again after it has been so good and she not being able to say sorry about anything.. she said yes. Sorry, how can I make it up now. We made up. Went to bed, she went to work and two days later I wake up with police at my door and some sort of company for home abuse. I didn’t get it for a good 15 min, then after walking the dog and calling my mom I let them in.
They wanted me to talk about stuff and I was just broken and still kinda oblivion to what was going on. They left and right before they left they told me I could get a restraining order from my house for ten days if they would see fit. I still didn’t really get what they were saying, but I did explain how our relationship was (not) balanced and how she behaved over the years and what this had lead to.. and why I didn’t get all this. Like I’m a good guy, I gave her everything she ever wanted, including my mom, a home, my family, helped her educate and getting trough all this. And now we’re here? Why? She was laying next to me yesterday evening and now I’m a threat?
Later that evening I got a call, they didn’t find it necessary and the guy who was from the home abuse company even kinda kindly advised me to strongly move on from her. Then her colleague she was staying with called me sometime later with this attitude and talked about picking up her stuff and that she would call the police if I didn’t comply. I was again blown away by the air of things and simply said: police for what? She can pick up her stuff? Why can’t she call me and tell me what’s going on? I gave her a time she could come and pick her stuff up and I would be out of the house. The day after I learned she blocked me out of everything, took money of mine, didn’t pay our joined bills and she texted me: from this point on I do not want any form of contact any more. Just like that. As if we hadn’t been together for 8,5 yrs and have a dog? I was lost, felt like life had ended right there cause damn I gave this girl my world and my heart. How could she do this?
Now we’re three weeks later and I’ve learned trough a neighbor she doesn’t really give a shit about me or our dog anymore. She got a new number, lives with her colleague I presume. Probably she’s dating already and having a good time being single. I can’t really reach her and I don’t want to be this guy showing up somewhere cause she made clear she don’t want that. But I also know why she’s being like this and find it hard to accept and trow away everything. I’m shattered, can’t sleep much, or eat, lost 5kg already and can’t understand her being a intelligent girl, getting carried away like this without any letter, word or phone call. I’m here, without a job atm, with our dog, trying to keep myself alive kinda. Yes I don’t have a job, we talked about it all, In her heart I was there and we had a family with the three of us. Now I don’t exist and I’m in the middle of accepting I still love the girl I had a few months back, but being left by the girl we both know had this outcome.
My house is empty, our dog doesn’t get it. I’m doubting about going back to my parents and starting over. Cause me starting here would mean the dog would be alone most of the time, and he isn’t made for that. Me still needing to work on my health and get a job asap.
So I read more things about borderline and it makes me feel better about myself knowing I couldn’t have done anything to change her. Simply cause she didn’t want to acknowledge the fact she had the disorder it ended up being my fault again. But fuck I love her, how do I condone myself letting her go knowing she’s not able to come back to realty. Being surrounded by people who don’t know she has bpd and believe everything she says. She even blocked out my mom? Friends of mine, anybody who kinda know her she blocked out..
Final word: The colleague who she’s staying with, female, probably heard all of her dark and negative stories. Claimed it to be unhealthy, blew everything up and it probably made my (ex) gf feel stuck in this negative bubble I couldn’t get her out of. And when I pulled her away from the door that evening the colleague probably made some calls to make sure she got away indefinitely. This colleague I’ve never seen, never talked to, I’m shook this woman didn’t say anything like: why don’t you go and talk to him about stuff.. or came and talk to me with my gf at the time. Sorry for any spelling mistakes and thnx for reading!
submitted by chiravs to BPDlovedones [link] [comments]


2020.05.11 00:37 throwawayimhonest Is this too much to send to my Professor in this trying time?

Hello friends,
I have been a reddit fan for some years now.
I have typed this up over the last hour having tears streaming down my face constantly but I felt like I needed to share this before I Sent this "letter" to my Prof.
I am now asking you, is this too much to share or would it be reasonable insight to how a student is feeling right now.
I need to add that it is not mandatory in my Uni to attend classes but there are Prof's that take notice of attendance and most likely let this influence their grading.
-------
Dear
I don`t know if you will take the time out of your day to read this message but I felt like writing something about my in (and out of) class behaviour during this semester.
To be completely honest this semester has hit me especially hard. Not only is the world on the brink of collapse at this trying time, in March i received the news that my Grandfather had passed away a little over a Month after his 90th Birthday which we got to celebrate together with the whole family thankfully (he fell asleep and didn’t wake up, so thankfully not Covid-19) but my father who had been in /Corona Hot-Zone/ shortly before the lockdowns was in Home Quarantine before having some flu-like symptoms but thankfully tested negativ for Covid-19 after one and a half weeks in Isolation. Both of this happened on the same day, the news and my father returning prematurely from /Corona-Hot-Zone/ to stay in Isolation to be there, or at least not that far away from my mother who had just lost her father.
This was a trying time as I had thoughts about not being able to loose my Grandfather and my dad in the same month, if he had unfortunately caught Covid-19.
Sadly another factor for me personally is that I have struggled with different Health issues, mostly related to stress, in the last years one of them being Mental Health.
Within the last one and a half years I have learned a lot about myself and worked through some tough times but right now is on a different level not even therapy could have prepared me for.
These News in March would have made a „normal“ semester hard for me personally but a semester in Isolation, not being able to see my friends and being motivated to go to Uni everyday has not helped my motivation, sleep schedule or mental health.
I have ups and downs, my roommates have helped or at least offered helped and this has improved me tremendously but still very day is different and life just seems to be a lot harder to handle right now.
Not being able to spend as much or at all time with family and friends is especially hard because they are my support network and one can quickly underestimate how much a nice long hug from a loved one encourages and helps one.
I do not write any of this as an excuse, simply as an explanation. I feel the need to explain myself to my Professors because I feel like I have let them down, even though it is mostly me letting myself down.
All of this online-university with some Professors expecting way more than in in-person-classes (booting people of the moodle course because you are not online twice a week) or others who have to date held two classes is frankly not what I signed up for while applying to study „offline“.
This is not particularly related to you but I feel the need to share as a form of background info. Some of the behaviour from Professors as well as the University itself with extremely short notice, we expect you to engage now, mentality has not helped me or any of my co-students I have spoken with.
I am pretty sure this is way too much information to share as a student but I think out of my current Professors you would be the most likely to understand.
It is hard typing this as it is never easy giving away such information about oneself, but sometimes one just has to let the steam out (or some tears drip).
I hope you do not view this as a personal attack or as an especial excuse for preferential treatment (which certainly it is not!) I just felt the urge to give some contact to why I have been not up to par in recent weeks/months.
Sometimes I just feel like (not related to you) that some Professors do not understand the toll that something like this can have on a person. They just expect everyone to be there and not take a single other thing into consideration.
If you made it this far thank you for your time it means a lot to me.
Kindest of regards I hope you stay healthy and safe
--------
I would kindly appreciate any remarks about rephrasing and corrections.
Please not that english is not my first language (he is my english prof though so he likes everything sent to him in english), I am currently half a Bottle of wine in and I typed it in one go with tears streaming down my face.
Love and some (appropriate laughs) for everyone
submitted by throwawayimhonest to covidsupport [link] [comments]


2020.05.11 00:22 throwawayimhonest Is this too much to send to my Professor in this trying time?

Hello friends,
I have been a reddit fan for some years now.
I have typed this up over the last hour having tears streaming down my face constantly but I felt like I needed to share this before I Sent this "letter" to my Prof.
I am now asking you, is this too much to share or would it be reasonable insight to how a student is feeling right now.
I need to add that it is not mandatory in my Uni to attend classes but there are Prof's that take notice of attendance and most likely let this influence their grading.
-------
Dear
I don`t know if you will take the time out of your day to read this message but I felt like writing something about my in (and out of) class behaviour during this semester.
To be completely honest this semester has hit me especially hard. Not only is the world on the brink of collapse at this trying time, in March i received the news that my Grandfather had passed away a little over a Month after his 90th Birthday which we got to celebrate together with the whole family thankfully (he fell asleep and didn’t wake up, so thankfully not Covid-19) but my father who had been in /Corona Hot-Zone/ shortly before the lockdowns was in Home Quarantine before having some flu-like symptoms but thankfully tested negativ for Covid-19 after one and a half weeks in Isolation. Both of this happened on the same day, the news and my father returning prematurely from /Corona-Hot-Zone/ to stay in Isolation to be there, or at least not that far away from my mother who had just lost her father.
This was a trying time as I had thoughts about not being able to loose my Grandfather and my dad in the same month, if he had unfortunately caught Covid-19.
Sadly another factor for me personally is that I have struggled with different Health issues, mostly related to stress, in the last years one of them being Mental Health.
Within the last one and a half years I have learned a lot about myself and worked through some tough times but right now is on a different level not even therapy could have prepared me for.
These News in March would have made a „normal“ semester hard for me personally but a semester in Isolation, not being able to see my friends and being motivated to go to Uni everyday has not helped my motivation, sleep schedule or mental health.
I have ups and downs, my roommates have helped or at least offered helped and this has improved me tremendously but still very day is different and life just seems to be a lot harder to handle right now.
Not being able to spend as much or at all time with family and friends is especially hard because they are my support network and one can quickly underestimate how much a nice long hug from a loved one encourages and helps one.
I do not write any of this as an excuse, simply as an explanation. I feel the need to explain myself to my Professors because I feel like I have let them down, even though it is mostly me letting myself down.
All of this online-university with some Professors expecting way more than in in-person-classes (booting people of the moodle course because you are not online twice a week) or others who have to date held two classes is frankly not what I signed up for while applying to study „offline“.
This is not particularly related to you but I feel the need to share as a form of background info. Some of the behaviour from Professors as well as the University itself with extremely short notice, we expect you to engage now, mentality has not helped me or any of my co-students I have spoken with.
I am pretty sure this is way too much information to share as a student but I think out of my current Professors you would be the most likely to understand.
It is hard typing this as it is never easy giving away such information about oneself, but sometimes one just has to let the steam out (or some tears drip).
I hope you do not view this as a personal attack or as an especial excuse for preferential treatment (which certainly it is not!) I just felt the urge to give some contact to why I have been not up to par in recent weeks/months.
Sometimes I just feel like (not related to you) that some Professors do not understand the toll that something like this can have on a person. They just expect everyone to be there and not take a single other thing into consideration.
If you made it this far thank you for your time it means a lot to me.
Kindest of regards I hope you stay healthy and safe
--------
I would kindly appreciate any remarks about rephrasing and corrections.
Please not that english is not my first language (he is my english prof though so he likes everything sent to him in english), I am currently half a Bottle of wine in and I typed it in one go with tears streaming down my face.
Love and some (appropriate laughs) for everyone
submitted by throwawayimhonest to mentalhealth [link] [comments]


2019.10.01 05:47 goodnewsjimdotcom An article in progress: The art of small talking. Could use brainstorms and feedback.

The Art of Small Talking and Humor by James Sager
I have an article about Online Evangelism Tactics you can find here: http://fatherspiritson.com/articles/jim-57onlinetactics.html
This article is about witnessing to people in person. The first thing you need to know about witnessing to people in person is to always be loving. How can you help their day? How would you want to be approached if you didn't know God was real? You wouldn't want to have your busy day delayed. If you start off on a negative foot with people who don't have a book that says not to bear grudges, you often play a negative foothold into a snowball of negativity. Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. You wouldn't want people to be jerks to you and tell you about anything they're selling. So lets see how we should start off on the right foot.
They say chivalry is dead. And yes, it is true, that you cannot expect to treat women like a princess and expect they will swoon over you and open up their world to you. Treat them like a princess anyway when dating win or lose. Still, if you treat others well, with no expection of return, it's just a cool thing to do. Opening doors is something we should all do when not in a rush. Give em smiles. Give em a greeting if you feel witty. If they say thanks, say,"Hey, everyone deserves respect." This is just a basic thing everyone should do. The devil wants people steaming upset, and this can ratchet down people's rage if they had a bad day. Also socializing and respect is a basic act we should all do. The Bible teaches to esteem others better than yourself.
Bible Verse: Esteem others better than yourself.
The power move is not door opening though. The power move is when you are waiting in line for groceries, to offer the person directly behind you to go in front of you! This makes them feel honored. Some people are in a hurry. As Christians we have infinite time in Heaven, so we don't need to rush down here. Sometimes we are in a rush, and its okay to not offer, but in the great majority of times, let em ahead. This will in a large amount of situations open up conversations. "Why are you cool?, "Thanks a ton, hey I was just getting snacks for my sports showing party, and I was gonna miss some of the game.", "Hey why did you say you have infinite time and aren't ever in a rush?" All those and more are easy mode conversation starters. You started off on the right foot even if they didn't accept your offer. You do this enough, everyone likes you in the town over time and that's just starters.
Bible Verse: Last will be first
As we said earlier,"If you start off on the wrong foot against human nature, the tendency is to snowball towards more grudge bearing negativeity." The counter is true too. "If you start off on the right foot, the tendency is to snowball towards more and more positivity and love for you." Hate leads to more hate. Love leads to more love. Most people know this, but never knew the two above examples to opening conversations on a positive note. Opening a conversation on a positive not is good, now be sure to know how to small talk right.
I generally know where I want to go with this. All the rest will be about small talking people positively. Can you pro small talkers out there give me some talking points and wisdom though? I want to make this a good article because it is how a regular person witnesses on a daily basis
submitted by goodnewsjimdotcom to Christianity [link] [comments]


2019.08.03 15:00 Axmeister Erskine May - Part V: The Electorate

This series of threads is based on the online version of Erskine May’s Treatise on the Law, Privileges, Proceedings and Usage of Parliament (25th edition, 2019), which can be found at the website erskinemay.parliament.uk.
Part I: Chapter 2
Elections
The electorate
2.1
The persons entitled to vote at a parliamentary election in any constituency are those registered in the register of parliamentary electors for that constituency, who are not subject to any legal incapacity to vote, are either Commonwealth citizens (as defined by statute) or citizens of the Republic of Ireland, and are aged 18 years or over on the date of the poll.
Under the Representation of the People Act 1985 as amended by subsequent legislation, British citizens who are resident outside the United Kingdom can qualify as overseas electors at parliamentary elections in respect of the constituency for which they were last registered, for a period of 15 years after they leave. Overseas electors must make a declaration that they qualify as overseas electors.
Questions as to residence fall to be determined under the Representation of the People Act 1983, ss 5–7, 7A, 7B and 7C, as interpreted by electoral registration officers.
Disqualification of electors
2.2
Certain categories of people are disqualified from voting at a parliamentary election. These are: peers with seats in the House of Lords, aliens, persons under 18 years of age, convicted persons during the period of their detention in a penal institution (or mental hospital) in pursuance of their sentence, and persons found guilty of corrupt or illegal practices at elections. The common law rule preventing those with mental impairments from voting was abolished by the Electoral Administration Act 2006 (c 22), s 73(1).
Constituencies
2.3
The Parliamentary Constituencies Act 1986, s 1 provides that for parliamentary elections, there shall be the county and borough constituencies, each returning a single Member, which are described in Orders in Council made under that Act.
The same Act provides for four permanent Boundary Commissions, one each for England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland; each Boundary Commission is to keep under review the representation in the House of Commons of the part of the United Kingdom with which it is concerned. The Parliamentary Voting System and Constituencies Act 2011 amended the 1986 Act, so that boundary reviews take place on a five-yearly basis from 2013. It also amended the second schedule to the 1986 Act to give primacy to equalising the size of constituencies and set the number of constituencies at 600. Section 14 of the 2011 Act also provided for a review of the effects of the reduction in the number of constituencies, to be established in 2015, with a majority of the members of the review committee to be Members.
The boundary review due in 2013 was postponed by the Electoral Registration and Administration Act 2013, s 6. The Boundary Commissions were required to report before 1 October 2018 but not before 1 September 2018, and at five-yearly intervals thereafter. The 2013 Act also provided that the review of the effects of the reduction in the number of constituencies should be established in 2020.
The Speaker is nominated Chair of each Commission but all other Members of the House of Commons are excluded from membership of a Commission.
As soon as may be after the submission of a report from any of the four Boundary Commissions recommending changes in the boundaries of constituencies, a Secretary of State must lay the reports before Parliament. As soon as may be after the submission of all four reports, the Secretary of State shall lay before Parliament a draft of an Order in Council for giving effect to the recommendations within them; modifications may be made only on the recommendation of the relevant Boundary Commission. If modifications are made, a statement of the reasons for the modification must be laid at the same time.
The draft of an Order in Council for giving effect to recommended boundary changes has to be approved by both Houses before it can be made by Her Majesty in Council. If the motion to approve the draft is negatived or withdrawn in either House, the Secretary of State may lay an amended draft before Parliament. The Order in Council has no effect until after the dissolution of the Parliament which approved the draft.
The Parliamentary Constituencies Act 1986 provides that the validity of any Order in Council purporting to be made under the Act shall not be called in question in any legal proceedings whatsoever.
Provisions in the Political Parties, Elections and Referendums Act 2000, s 16 (to transfer the functions of the Boundary Commissions to the Electoral Commission appointed under that Act) were repealed by the Local Democracy, Economic Development and Construction Act 2009 (c 20), s 61, without having been brought into force.
Erskine May's Parliamentary Practice - Introduction & Index
submitted by Axmeister to ukpolitics [link] [comments]


2019.06.17 00:31 finnagains The Hidden Agenda of 'Positive News' - by Joanna Mang - 12 June 2019

There is nothing more depressing than “positive news”
The world is often a bummer, but a whole ecosystem of podcasts and Facebook pages have sprung up to assure you that things are actually great.
Scroll below any news network’s tweet about an act of human kindness or survival and you’ll find the grateful replies: “Finally, some good news for a change,” and “We need more stories like this!” and “Faith in humanity restored!” These enthusiasts are the reason a video of a police officer knotting a teenager’s tie on the street outside a high school graduation ceremony can rack up 41,000 faves in two days. It would seem that the American news consumer is at all times hovering perilously close to a freefall of catastrophic misanthropy, only yanked back to safety by two paragraphs on a charitable recycling project or a video of a dad who beatboxes with his baby. These remarks indicate a belief that the news is overwhelmingly and indeed unnecessarily negative, and we need an antidote to its poison.
Enter “positive news” — an upbeat subsection of the human-interest story, a genre comprised of podcasts, news aggregators, and some very popular Facebook pages. The Good News Network, an online newspaper that has 585,000 likes on Facebook, was created in 1997 by founder Geri Weis-Corbley “because the media was failing to report the positive news.” GNN says its stories are “inspiring” their readers, though we are left to imagine just what they are being inspired to do. A typical GNN front page might contain stories about an animal rescue, an anecdote about environmental preservation, a homeless person experiencing a windfall, or a child who started his own business.
Positive news is categorized not just by content but by framing and prominence — it is not simply that a nice thing happened, but said nice thing gives us hope for the very future of humanity that we are elsewhere denied. And this, to seekers of positive news, is exactly the point. The media could present stories in a more uplifting fashion, but instead wants to titillate and frighten us. This is somewhat true. You don’t have to be a particularly savvy reader to know when you’re being baited. But for the positive news consumer the issue is not a melodramatic headline here or there. Rather, the positive news lover believes that straight news isn’t just negative, but essentially fake, and positive news does more than make a reader feel good, it delivers a fundamental truth. GNN’s website tells us, “Thomas Jefferson said the job of journalists was to portray accurately what was happening in society,” and the site exists to compensate for their failure. Jefferson also wrote that “that the man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them,” but it’s best not to let the Sage of Monticello clutter the “About” page with anti-literacy rants.
The Good News Podcast, produced by Cards Against Humanity, advertises itself as a salve for the news-poisoned, a listening experience that will “make each day more bearable.” Each episode is roughly four minutes long, which is almost unbearably cute. For reference, my favorite podcast is two guys spending roughly the length of a movie discussing that movie, so my tolerance may be unusually high. One two-minute episode, “Good News About Animals,” features 30 seconds on the doubling of Nepal’s tiger population. The segment assumes the listener’s awareness of endangered species but avoids any “negative” references to the sixth extinction. After all, it’s tough to get into the drought-shriveled weeds in two minutes.
Aggressively Positive, a newer podcast with a smaller following, has a longer format. Each 30-minute episode features host Adam Theroux reading positive news stories and rambling about the importance of being nice. Theroux mixes a shock jock growl with the dip-and-uptalk vocal cadence of an evangelical youth pastor, which is exactly as unsettling as it sounds. His signature style is to yell the positive news items at you in between verbal paroxysms such as “I AM SO HAPPY” and Tony Robbins speechifying: “Life is good. Right? It has to be. I’m in charge of it. I’m gonna make sure it’s enjoyable.” After reading a story about an elderly Canadian woman who has waved to schoolchildren every day for twelve years, Theroux tells us, “If you wanna be happy, do happy. make happy. Happy happy... just TRY. Try to be happy. Sooo, are you happy? I am!” This failed to cheer me.
Lamenting journalistic negativity isn’t just for peppy podcasters and presidential tweets; it’s a cornerstone of modern American conservatism, the origins of which lie in the Nixon Administration. The disingenuousness of the Administration’s public complaints about an “elite” media exerting undue influence on the American people is revealed in the Nixon tapes when the president tells his staff, “the press is the enemy, the press is the enemy.” Publicly, the complaint was about delivering truth to constituents; privately, it was an attempt to pacify an anxious nation. Speechwriter William Safire — by way of Nixon’s vice president, Spiro Agnew — referred to the news media as “nattering nabobs of negativism” who “have formed their own 4-H Club — the ‘hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.’’
In 1970, Agnew was irritated about mouthy news types exposing his secret bombing campaigns; hysteria meant telling the truth about what the government was doing. He no doubt had the same complaint about the district attorney investigating him for felony tax evasion. According to the Nixon Administration, a silent majority of Americans waited for good sense to reassert itself against the counter-culturists and anti-war activists. The current positive news sites, too, claim to be serving a silent majority that shakes their heads at the comment threaders, the protest marchers, the refugee advocates, and anyone who wants to talk about affordable daycare. Yes, there are immigrant children in concentration camps on American soil, and that’s depressing. The people demand a change of subject. The desire for positive news may occur among either political affiliation, but it reflects regressive and even reactionary values.
In the Trump Era this phenomenon takes on new urgency and perhaps new implications. With a negative/positive model, consumers can choose a flavor of news based not on the content, but emotional impact. In this way, the consumption process mirrors positive news itself: it centers the individual, and the individual is usually the subject of the positive news story. Structural problems are only mentioned when they’re being overcome by particularly plucky free agents who choose benevolence and charity out of pure free will. Positive news is necessarily regressive because it does not identify, much less critique, systemic problems or injustices. On the contrary, it often elides and obscures conflict; in fact, that’s one of its main appeals. That video I mentioned earlier, of the police officer and the high schooler who needed help with his graduation outfit? The cop is black, the teen is white, and it takes place in Georgia.
Ideas about motivation and individual action, rather than social circumstance or political will, are indeed the genesis of positive news curation. Critics of the so-called hyper-negativity of the news cite studies showing that unhappy stories create depression and apathy in readers, but this reasoning suggests that knowledge of a problem is useless unless it inspires work towards a solution. And positive reporting, in its presentation of problems as not just solvable but currently being solved, can be just as demotivating. For example, The Guardian’s positive news or “constructive journalism” section, The Upside, recently featured a story about a Peruvian 14-year-old who founded a children’s bank that gives microloans to kids who collect trash for recycling. This item satisfies two major positive news criteria: environmental solutions and poor people helping themselves. Like much “inspirational” content, though, the effect on the reader could easily be just as de-motivating, because what action needs to be taken? The Peruvian children are doing great. They have a trash bank now.
Positive news is often lauded for inspiring faith in our fundamental goodness, and if we religiously seek out and cling to uplifting stories, that’s probably not a coincidence; the word gospel comes from the Greek and Old English words for good news. Many of the most popular modern translations of the Gospels have Jesus sharing “good news” to those he meets on his travels. Hebrews 4, written sometime in the century after Christ’s death, warns new Christians not to disregard “the good news” as their Israelite predecessors did, an oversight which resulted in an entire generation being barred from entering the Promised Land. Readers of positive news are saved, in a sense, from despair, and from their own impulses towards selfish negativity.
Interesting, then, that many of the modern purveyors of positive news are YouTube pundits and logic lovers whose shtick can be traced through the New Atheist movement. On a December 2018 edition of political talk show The Rubin Report, host Dave Rubin interviewed Marian Tupy, a Cato Institute policy analyst and editor of HumanProgress.org, a positive news aggregator and data bank whose website claims “there is often a wide gap between the reality of human experience, which is characterized by incremental improvements, and public perception, which tends to be quite negative about the current state of the world.”
Tupy, a blandly attractive European with half a South African accent, lists developments that recommend the world of today: longer lives, less poverty, far fewer Medieval peasants. Rubin, who spends most of his time on Twitter complaining to his half a million followers about supposed deplatforming and attacks by autocratic tech companies and a coordinated, conversation-averse Left, concludes that modern people “nit-pick about little things constantly and think they’re massive when yeah, we’re not dying of mass — we’re doing a lot with disease... we’ve made our lives way safer and extended our lives.” When climate change comes up, Tupy declines to comment on its dangers, emphasizing economic development instead. He refers to a future in which Africans can buy air-conditioners and Argentinians have access to heaters, appearing to suggest that the danger of climate change comes down to the individual’s comfort level in her own home. Rubin’s thoughts on climate change run to “is it possible that in some of the places that it’s warming, it’s actually good that it’s warming?”
It’s easy to laugh at Rubin for this — I certainly did — but he’s echoing a line of thought whose adherents are called lukewarmers or climate optimists. These skeptics accept climate change, and anthropogenic climate change to an extent, but predict temperature rise well below IPCC estimates and dismiss the “alarmist view of global warming.” Climate optimism is a perplexing concept, because those they accuse of apocalyptic fatalism and fear-mongering are the ones putting forward solutions: the Green New Deal and the Paris Agreement both resulted from the “negative” reasoning the optimists decry. Climate optimists take a longview: if we’re on the decline, it’s only because circumstances periodically decline irrespective of human activity. This good news reassures us that progressive policy and structural reform are unnecessary reactions to imaginary threats. And that’s the real positive news: you don’t have to do anything. Nothing has to change.
Early last year the National Review Online published a piece by alt-right icon Ben Shapiro, “2018 Is a Great Time to Be Alive,” a response to leftist discussion of rising income inequality. Shapiro writes of his recent trip to a speaking engagement, listing 21 products and services that enriched his experience along with the dates they were invented. The oldest is his electric toothbrush and the latest is his MacBook Pro, with additional shout-outs to Advil and the availability on iTunes of the Brandenburg Concerto, which recording he claims to have listened to on an airplane. His point is that our quality of life is getting better all the time: we have, on average, bigger houses and longer lives than our grandparents did. To Shapiro, the claim that Americans are worse off than they were in 1970 can be disproven by an inventory of our personal electronics caches. So you say real wages have declined. Well, do you own an iPhone? Q.E.D. He doesn’t even bother rebutting claims about rising inequality; he can’t, and his audience doesn’t care.
The point isn’t that the other side makes a compelling or fact-based point, but that they need to stop bitching. Take an Advil (courtesy of 1974, perhaps enjoyed by Richard Nixon as he himself railed against the unappreciative whiners) and buy yourself one of those sprawling ranch-styles your ancestors would envy. A contemporaneous Quillette article reports that “Income inequality may have increased, but a greater proportion of people than ever before enjoy wealth that only two or three generations ago would have been unfathomable.” Essentially, if I have a DivaCup where my grandmother had a sanitary belt, I can’t be upset that my student loan balance exceeds my annual income.
The psychologist and Panglossian dolt Steven Pinker makes his living reassuring us that the world is getting better all the time and criticizing the media for obscuring that fact. Pinker recently tweeted a graph from his new book showing that news reporting has become more negative even while our lives improve. This data comes from Kalev Leetaru, co-creator of the Global Database of Events, Language, and Tone. GDELT “monitors the world's broadcast, print, and web news from nearly every corner of every country in over 100 languages,” cataloguing the content by various metrics: names, themes, tone. Pinker uses data published in 2011 that shows, in Leetaru’s words, “a steady, near linear, march towards negativity” in New York Times articles between 1945 and 2005. The methodology at work here involves a process called sentiment mining or tone mining, which catalogued the articles’ language by the mood it evokes..
This is pretty cool, but also potentially misleading; the effect of this content on the reader can depend on the extent to which she conflates a news item’s tone with its content. After all, “the death of iTunes” is only bad news if you think iTunes has anything left to offer us. And anyway, they just split its functions into three separate apps. Furthermore, is this showing an increase in the percentage of negative words used, or an increase in negative words total, which could be partly explained by an increase in the gross number of articles published? It’s probably important to note that two months after the publication of this data, in late 2011, Leetaru was fired from the University of Illinois for research misconduct..
What yokes Pinker and Shapiro and Rubin together with your kooky aunt who posts relentlessly about surprising animal friendships on Facebook is the idea of what we are supposed to do with the information they provide: precisely nothing. The throughline of positive news and rebranded conservative intellectualism is the reassurance that action is not necessary. Progress is what happened to get us here, and current problems can surely be dealt with in a manner that doesn’t cause discomfort. Any negative emotion is the enemy, be it despair about climate or a burgeoning suspicion that your words are causing real harm to others. “If you wanna be happy, do happy. make happy. Happy happy... just TRY. Try to be happy. Sooo, are you happy?” I am not, and you probably shouldn’t be either.
Joanna Mang is an adjunct professor of English. https://theoutline.com/post/7552/the-danger-of-positive-news
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2019.01.25 05:01 harzach Podcast-PlayList vom Donnerstag, 24.01.2019

Die gesamte Tages-PlayList
Tagestipps
Sendung Titel
BR Wissen Die Macht des Gerüchts - Flüsterpost und Nachrede (1)
BR Hoerspiel Draußen vor der Tür (2)
BR Kalenderblatt James W. Marshall findet Nugget und löst kalifornischen Goldrausch aus (3)
SWR Zeitwort 24.01.1950: Die DDR beschließt die Gründung der Stasi (4)
SWR Literatur Eva Illouz: Warum Liebe endet (5)
SWR Wissen Psychogramm der Superreichen (6)
WDR Zeitzeichen ifo-Institut für Wirtschaftsforschung gegründet (am 24.01.1949) (7)
News
Zeit Titel
07:15 DLF 13:05 ? Kaess, Christiane - Interview Michel Barnier, EU-Chefunterhändler für den Brexit
07:44 DLF 3:19 ? Michael Lehmann - 'Helft uns - wir können nicht mehr' - Flüchtlinge auf Samos
07:50 DRK 6:06 ? Leweke, Anke - Filme der Woche: 'The Favourite' 'Beautiful Boy'
08:38 DLF 4:33 Hielscher, Diane - Faltbare Smartphones: Handys mit dem Knick
08:50 DRK 6:08 ? Brinkmann, Sigrid - Buchkritik - 'Wer hat meinen Vater umgebracht' von Édouard Louis
12:08 DRK 7:51 ? Posener, Alan - Zweifel an Feinstaubwerten - Brauchen wir neue Grenzwerte?
12:29 DRK 8:09 ? Posener, Alan - Showdown in Venezuela - Wie lange kann sich Maduro noch halten?
12:43 DRK 4:00 ? Posener, Alan - Brexit-Ausweg gesucht: Falsche Hoffnung auf Deutschland?
13:05 DRK 20:15 ? Thomas Wagner;Silke Hasselmann - Hoffnungsträger China? (Länderreport)
14:40 DLF 4:38 ? Krause, Suzanne - Stylos rouges statt gilets jaunes: Bildungsproteste in Frankreich
15:15 DLF 10:43 ? Reimann, Christoph - Corsogespräch XL: Schauspieler Sebastian Koch zum TV-Drama 'Nebel im August'
15:25 DLF 4:37 ? Ignatowitsch, Julian - Schwach im Skript, gut bei den Darstellern - die 3. Staffel von 'True Detective'
15:51 DLF 5:53 ? Dell, Matthias - Kolumne: Über Donnersmarck berichten
16:30 DLF 5:59 Ruskowski, Kerstin - Pillenpause, Affenklone, Gähn-Avatar
16:46 DRK 5:17 ? Anders, Marcel - 'Fever' - Das belgische Duo BALTHAZAR meldet sich zurück
17:18 DRK 8:13 ? Zick, Andreas - Studie: 'Die Willkommenskultur ist zurück' - trotz steigender Ressentiments
17:42 DLF 5:18 ? Suchsland, Rüdiger - Intrigen und Irrsinn - 'The Favourite' über Queen Anne kommt in die Kinos
17:53 DRK 4:08 ? Zantow, Andre - 'Das grenzt an Irreführung' - Kommentar zu Lungenärzten und Dieselabgasen
18:30 DRK 26:17 ? Anne-Francoise Weber, Katja Bigalke - Brexit für Frankreich - Der Weinhandel wird nervös (Weltzeit)
18:40 DLF 18:39 ? Grüter, Susanne - Aufgeladen - Der Streit ums Kindergeld in Europa
19:36 DLF 9:56 ? Longerich, Melanie - Korruption im Europarat - Der Fall Karin Strenz, Gespräch mit Gerald Knaus
19:46 DLF 8:50 ? Habermalz, Christiane - Design-Babies aus Deutschland? Die Debatte über CRISPCas
20:11 DLF 9:17 ? Hinrichs, Dörte - Zeitenwende 1979, Interview Prof. Bösch
22:31 DRK 1:48 ? Plate, Markus - Venezuelas Opposition stellt die Machtfrage
22:33 DRK 1:31 ? Sambale, Markus - Russland bleibt auf der Seite von Venezuelas Staatschef Maduro
23:22 DLF 3:07 Wagner, Marcel - Wählt gelb! Frankreichs Protestbewegung tritt bei EU-Wahl an
23:26 DLF 2:01 Landwehr, Arthur - Abstimmungen gescheitert : Suche nach dem Kompromiss. Signale aus dem WH
23:36 DLF 2:43 Beckmann, Holger - EU verhängt Vertragsverletzungsverfahren gegen Österreich wegen Familiengeld
Infos
(#) Info
(1) Gerüchte begleiten jede Kommunikation: Wir hören etwas, geben es weiter, schmücken aus, was uns gefällt, lassen anderes weg. Doch wann wird das Gerücht zu übler Nachrede? Und wie ist es zu bändigen?
(2) 'Draußen vor der Tür' erzählt die vergeblichen Versuche eines Kriegsheimkehrers seinen Platz in der Nachkriegsgesellschaft zu finden. Der BR sendet jetzt das Hörspiel in seiner Originalfassung von 1948. // Mit Hans Stein, Marianne Kehlau, Ernst Schlott, Klaus W. Krause, Gertrud Spalke und anderen // Komposition: Mark Lothar // Regie: Walter Ohm // BR 1948 // Aktuelle Hörspiel-Empfehlungen per Mail: www.hörspielpool.de/newsletter
(3) Der Wilde Westen war nicht nur wild, sondern sollte auch reich machen. Dachte zumindest einige, nachdem der erste Nugget gefunden war. Doch Gold allein macht nicht glücklich. Kein Gold auch nicht.
(4) Von Kilian Pfeffer
(5) Eine Soziologie negativer Beziehungen
(6) Über Menschen mit sehr hohem Vermögen wissen wir fast nichts: sehen sich die Superreichen überhaupt noch als Teil der Gesellschaft? Oder gelten für sie andere Regeln? Von Ulrike Köppchen. (Produktion DLF 2017)
(7) Fachkräftemangel, der Handelsstreit mit den USA, die Abkühlung der Weltkonjunktur: Die Stimmung in den deutschen Chefetagen war auch schon mal besser. Wie schlecht oder wie gut diese Stimmung gerade ist, ermittelt das „ifo-Institut für Wirtschaftsforschung“ mit dem Geschäftsklimaindex. Der gilt als der wichtigste Frühindikator der deutschen Wirtschaft und wird monatlich durch die Befragung von rund 9000 Managern ermittelt. Autorin: Martina Meißner
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2019.01.16 18:54 AgitatedBenefit [AMA]Am petrecut 2 ani și 6 luni într-un centru de detenție pentru minori. ama

După cum spune și titlul, am petrecut 2 ani și 6 luni într-un centru de detenție pentru minori (două, de fapt, și multe alte penitenciare).
Vreau să fac un vlog pe tema asta și sunt curios care sunt întrebările oamenilor și care este viziunea din exterior despre lumea penitenciară.
Pentru ce am ajuns acolo, am scris mai de mult într-un articol pe blogul personal (între timp l-am șters, dar vi-l las mai jos).
Ce e mai jos e doar un rezumat a întregii povești. Sunt multe lucruri despre care cred că ar mai fi loc de vorbit, așa că vreau să realizez un material mai complex despre treaba asta. ama!
După cum scrie și pe pagina „Despre mine”, da, am fost închis într-un centru de detenție pentru doi ani și șase luni, așa că o să detaliez un pic povestea asta.
Făcând un pic background check pentru a se înțelege, ai mei mi-au luat calculator pe la 6 ani. Chestia asta m-a prins, mi-a plăcut și am început să aprofundez. M-a atras în special gamingul și am făcut și ceva programare web (html, css, js).
7 ani mai târziu, în 2012, acasă, plictisit pe Internet. Google „free riot points cards”, la momentul ăla crezând că lumea încă oferă lucruri gratuite pe Internet și că un search pe Google o să mi le aducă pe toate mie, propriei mele persoane atât de importante într-un Internet atât de mare. Click, click, click, pagina 2, click, click, pagina 3, click click, . . . , pagina 8 – „Free carded RP game codes – sitedecarding.com”.
Da, am găsit coduri RP gratuite. Ca idee, punctele RP sunt puncte plătite într-un joc numit League of Legends. Coduri despre care nu știam la acel moment că au fost achiziționate de un tip dubios de pe un site de carding (=fraudă informatică prin instrumente de plată electronice) și care le-a postat acolo ca să atragă clienți pentru serviciile pe care le oferea.
Long short story, mi-am făcut cont, am luat două coduri gratuite, au funcționat. Minunat fiind de modalitatea prin care tipul ăsta putea să ofere și să obțină gratis lucruri care în mod normal costă bani, am început să navighez din ce în ce mai des pe site-ul în cauză (site pe care nu o să îl menționez aici din motive etice) și să învăț despre lucrurile astea. Am învățat cum să obțin date de identificare ale cardurilor bancare online, cum și unde pot să le folosesc, cum să identific și să profit de vulnerabilități ale serverelor online pentru a obține genul ăsta de date și alte lucruri de genul ăsta. Chestia asta chiar m-a prins rău de tot și după ceva timp tot ceea ce făceam în fiecare zi era legat doar de lucrurile astea și încercam să îmi perfecționez cât mai mult metodele de fraudare pentru a obține un profit cât mai mare. Am început cu timpul să obțin lucruri mai valoroase și să fac bani mai mulți, pentru că aveam cunoștințe din ce în ce mai avansate. Comenzile pe care le făceam la început, folosind date de carduri oferite de alți membri ai acelei comunități în mod gratuit după ce erau folosite de ei și prin care obțineam tricouri, brelocuri, abțibilduri și tot soiul de lucruri mici și ieftine s-au transformat în comenzi efectuate cu date de carduri pe care le obțineam pe cont propriu prin diferite metode și care îmi aduceau electronice scumpe, bijuterii și chiar transferuri de bani în valută ori monedă digitală Bitcoin.
Toate au mers frumos, până în luna august a anului 2013. M-am trezit într-o zi pe la cinci dimineața, încrezător fiind că o să înceapă o nouă zi plină de satisfacție pentru mine și gândindu-mă chiar din primele momente după ce m-am trezit ce aș vrea să obțin în ziua aia, având ca referință zilele și săptămânile trecute în care deja obținusem și cheltuisem o grămadă de bani și cu dorința incredibil de mare de a avea și mai mult. Stăteam pe canapea, navigând pe iPhone-ul meu. S-a făcut ora șase dimineața, sună interfonul. Mă duc să răspund, nu se aude nimic. Mă întorc din nou pe canapea. Sună din nou. Se duce tata – „Poliția, deschideți”. Tata a apăsat pe buton, primindu-i pe neașteptații vizitatori în scara blocului și în nici două secunde ofițerii DIICOT Bacău și BCCO Bacău erau la ușă. Cioc, cioc – „Poliția, deschideți sau spargem ușa”. A deschis. Șapte ofițeri în civil au intrat în apartament cu mandat de percheziție și mandat de aducere pe numele meu. Mi-au răscolit toată casa, confiscându-mi toate dispozitivele pe care le aveam și micul depozit de obiecte pe care îl formasem în apartament. După aproximativ opt ore de percheziții, atât în apartamentul în care locuiam la acel moment cât și la casa părinților mei de la țară, am fost prezentat în fața unui procuror la sediul DIICOT Bacău. Menționând aici incredibila dezvoltare fizică a corpului meu (momentan am 1.80m, 54 kg) – gândiți-vă că eram mai scund și mai slab atunci – imediat ce am intrat în biroul procurorului m-a și întâmpinat cu sintagma „Marele infractor NUME AICI. Bine ai venit, ia un loc”. Dacă nu aș fi fost în situația aceea, m-ar fi bufnit un râs teribil la auzul acelor cuvinte. Dar în ciuda circumstanțelor în care mă aflam, râsul nu era chiar primul lucru pe care îmi venea să îl fac. Continuând, după încă 3 ore de audieri, mi-a spus în final lucrul pentru care mă rugasem deja de o sută de ori în gând în timp ce stăteam pe scaunul ăla din birou, cu ai mei într-o parte și avocatul în cealaltă: „Bun, noi am terminat aici. Tu o să te duci acasă acum și o să te chem eu iar altă dată. Ești liber”. Nu am putut să mai reacționez în momentul ăla, am schițat un zâmbet, am dat bună ziua și am plecat. Lucrul ălă, care la acel moment mi s-a părut cel mai bun lucru care mi s-a întâmplat în viața mea, avea să îmi schimbe în mod drastic viziunea despre lume și cum funcționează lucrurile și aveam să plătesc mult mai scump pentru asta.
Mai exact, după încă aproximativ 3 luni am început să fac din nou aceleași lucruri. În astea 3 luni am mai fost chemat o dată la DIICOT și am participat la perchezițiile informatice care au fost efectuate pe dispozitivele care mi-au fost ridicate la percheziția domicilară. În viziunea mea de atunci, am dat cu subsemnatul odată și am stat la caterincă cu niște gabori într-un birou la BCCO, care mi-au cumpărat chiar și o cafea. Ce dracu` s-ar putea întâmpla mai rău de atât?
Așadar, mi-am reînceput activitatea, cu siguranță deplină în faptul că dacă aș mai fi prins încă o dată repercursiunile ar fi fix aceleași, că mie nu o să îmi facă nimeni nimic pentru că ceea ce fac nu e atât de grav și cu un nivel de securitate mai sus în ceea ce privește modul în care făceam lucrurile. Și am continuat în felul ăsta o lungă perioadă de timp, doar că nivelul mai mare de securitate implica tranzacții mai restrânse și posibilități de monetizare mai puține, lucru care de asemenea avea să mă influențeze mai târziu.
Timpul a trecut, și iată că am ajuns în luna martie a anului 2015. Între timp judecata procesului începuse la Tribunalul Bacău și mă afișasem de mai multe ori în fața instanței, eu lipseam de la școală pentru că nu îmi plăcea și nu o consideram importantă, lucru pe care îl susțin și acum dar care s-a reflectat într-un mod negativ în raportul efectuat de Serviciul de Probațiune în ceea ce privește persoana mea (raportul fiind o procedură obligatorie în cauzele cu minori și care încearcă să formeze o imagine de ansamblu asupra inculpatului, mediului din care provine și familiei acestuia). A venit și ultima zi a procesului pe fond și dezbaterea cauzei. Printre multe alte întrebări și concluzii, judecătoarea a menționat și „Domnule Bla, văd că în ciuda insistențelor și avertismentelor pe care vi le-am dat, tot nu vă faceți ceea ce ar trebui să faceți”. Iar lucrul care m-a revoltat cel mai tare a fost remarca morală pe care tot judecătoarea a făcut-o pe un ton deloc neprietenos și pe care dacă l-aș fi folosit eu aș fi fost acuzat că am un comportament neadecvat în sala de judecată: „și eu am avut o fată la școală, chiar în alt oraș, care stătea la cămin și îi trimiteam pachete prin tren. Și chiar în felul ăsta a terminat liceul și facultatea dar nu a lipsit de la școală. Tu ai toate condițiile și facilitățile de care alții nu beneficiază și nu te interesează”.
O să fac o pauză aici ca să spun că respect toate deciziile pe care instanțele de judecată le-au luat în ceea ce mă privește, m-am supus acestora, le-am respectat întru totul și încă o fac. Dar să mi se facă o astfel de remarcă într-o sală de judecată, de către un judecător care a considerat important să compare siutația mea cu a propriului copil și să justifice prin acest mod decizia ulterioară de a mă condamna la pedeapsa maximă admisă de lege mi se pare inadmisibil și mi-a demonstrat cât de multă nedreptate există în justiția română și care e capacitatea în funcție a unor magistrați. NU contează că eu la momentul ăla comiteam din nou genul ăsta de infracțiuni fiindcă ele NU erau descoperite la acel moment și în temei legal nu existau. Singurul motiv pe care doamna judecător l-a găsit la acel moment ca să îmi aplice pedeapsa maximă a fost faptul că lipseam de la școală iar singurul mod prin care a reușit să facă din asta motivul principal în justificarea soluționării cauzei a fost să pună acest lucru într-un context subiectiv și extrem de nepotrivit într-un proces penal. Demn de menționat este și faptul că în hotărârea penală doamna judecător nu a considerat necesar să redea acest dialog, LUCRU CARE ESTE OBLIGATORIU PRIN LEGE CA ORICE DEZBATERE ȘI CONCLUZIE PUSĂ ÎN CURSUL UNUI PROCES PENAL DE ORICARE DINTRE PĂRȚI, CHIAR ȘI DE CĂTRE PREȘEDINTELE COMPLETULUI DE JUDECATĂ, SĂ FIE REDATĂ ÎN SCRIS ÎN HOTĂRÂREA PENALĂ. În schimb, a concluzionat sec, ca și motiv principal al aplicării pedepsei maxime prevăzute de lege: „pentru a avea timp să își termine studiile”. Închei scurt pauza prin a vă spune că în doi ani și jumătate de detenție nu am reușit să termin nici măcar o clasă în plus și asta strict din motive și decizii care nu au ținut de mine ci de sistemul penitenciar și legislația de rahat.
Revenind, după ultimul cuvânt mi s-a spus că rămân în pronunțare peste două săptămâni, ceea ce însemna că în fix două săptămâni de la acel moment avea să se desfășoare o altă ședință la tribunal, fără participarea mea ori a avocatului ci doar a judecătorului și a procurorului, în care urma să fie decisă sentința penală. La momentul ăla nu știam exact ce urmează să se întâmple, dar având asigurarea avocatului și a altor persoane în domeniu pe care le-am consultat, respectiv că „o să îți aplice o măsură neprivativă de libertate, cel mai probabil libertatea supravegheată. Nu ai ce să pățești, că aveai 14 ani când ai făcut faptele, ai recunoscut și ai colaborat, chiar nu are ce să ți se întâmple”. Bazându-mă astfel pe aceste cuvinte, nu am acordat prea multă importanță la ceea ce avea să se întâmple…
Iar ceea ce avea să se întâmple m-a lovit pe neașteptate. În ziua pronunțării, lucru de care nici nu îmi mai amintisem deoarece nu aveam nici un motiv să mă îngrijorez, aveam să aflu într-un mod extrem de neplăcut care a fost soluția dată de judecătoare.
Ora 15:00. Stau la calculator. Vine maică-mea să mă întrebe:
– „Ia vezi, nu a apărut pe net pronunțarea?
– Nu a apărut, nu cred că apare azi că nu le bagă ăștia pe Internet în aceeași zi. Ne uităm mâine”, am spus eu, cu total dezinteres față de ceea ce putea să se întâmple și evitând astfel să îmi întrerup activitatea extrem de interesantă pe care o desfășuram în momentul ăla de a naviga pe reddit.
Ora 19:00. Tot la calculator, plictisit, îmi trece prin minte ce m-a întrebat maică-mea. „Ia să văd eu mă, nu a apărut totuși aia?”. Tribunalul Bacău. Dosare. Număr 3952/110/2014. ”[…] aplică inculpatului minor BLA BLA BLA măsura educativă privativă de libertate a internării într-un centru de detenție pe o perioadă de cinci ani”. Fuck. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. O, Doamne. O, nu. Doamne, ce mă fac?! Ce dracu` se întâmplă, nu se poate! Apucă ghiozdanul. Bagă laptopul în el. Uită-te în portofel. 100 lei. Băga-mi-aș pula, ce să fac cu 100 de lei? Uită-te repede pe stradă să nu vină poliția. Ok, nu vine încă. Scrie bilet de adio părinților în care le spui că nu poți să mergi la pușcărie și că o să îi cauți tu. Scrie că îți pare rău. Fugi mâncând pământul că poate să vină garda în orice moment și să te ia. Mergi în stația de microbuz. Ia primul microbuz până în Bacău (la momentul acțiunii eram la casa alor mei de la țară). Ajungi în oraș, mai ai 80 de lei. Îți iei ceva de mâncare și un suc, te duci în parc pe o bancă și te așezi. Încerci să îți aduni gândurile, să pui totul cap la cap, să găsești o soluție ca să ieși din situația asta nasoală, dar oricât de mult încerci nu funcționează. Nimic nu mai funcționează, creierul tău nu poate să proceseze informația în mod coerent și mintea ți s-a dat peste cap, în același timp ai un milion de gânduri și de idei dar parcă capul îți e gol fiindcă chestiile doar îți zboară prin cap aleatoriu dar nu se opresc. Ore întregi petrecute pe banca aia nenorocită, într-o seară cu puțin peste zero grade și îmbrăcat doar cu un tricou și o jachetă subțire. Te culci acolo până a doua zi dimineață sperând că mâine o să găsești o soluție sau că mâine poate nu o să te mai trezești și astfel nu o să mai fie nevoie să găsești soluția.
Referință aici la piticigratis.com. Radu, cel care are site-ul, la momentul ăla avea o rubrică numită „sfaturi gratis”, adică întrebai orice și ți se răspunea. I-am trimis mail în ziua aia și i-am spus în ce situație sunt. Omul mi-a răspuns că fără bani chiar nu am ce să fac, și în orice caz până la urmă tot mă găsesc ăștia. Mi-a spus că da, e nasol la pușcărie, dar nu ai ce să faci, cel mai bine e să îți asumi și să mergi să îți execuți pedeapsa. Până la urmă trece. Mersi, Radu, că la momentul ăla sfatul ăsta mi-a prins extrem de bine și cine știe ce alt căcat aș mai fi făcut dacă nu erai tu cu mailul salvator la momentul potrivit.
Continuând povestea, am mers în piață, am mers la un țigan și am luat un telefon cu 20 de lei. Am sunat-o pe maică-mea, i-am explicat extrem de grăbit ce s-a întâmplat, cât de coerent am putut pentru că încă nu mă obișnuisem cu ideea, iar ea printre plânsetele pe care le avea din cauza faptului că nu știa unde sunt și ce am făcut, a reușit să mă calmeze spunându-mi că nu mă închide nimeni, că decizia nu e definitivă și că poate fi atacată prin apel, lucru pe care deja l-a făcut avocatul. Și pentru a doua oară am simțit că ăla a fost cel mai bun lucru care mi s-a întâmplat vreodată.
Ca să mai scurtez din articol că scriu de vreo trei ore și nu pot să iau fiecare lucru în parte într-un singur articol ca să-l detaliez și o singură zi nu îmi ajunge pentru treaba asta, dar e posibil ca pe viitor să revin și cu partea a doua dacă o să consider necesar – între timp dosarul a intrat în apel, iar în iulie 2017 am fost la ședința de judecată unde mi s-a acordat un nou și ultim termen pentru a îmi pregăti apărarea, cu mențiunea explicită făcută de judecător că „ăsta chiar e ultimul termen. La următorul luăm soluția definitivă”. Lucru care m-a făcut chiar în acel moment să iau propria mea decizie definitivă că nu o să las lucrurile în voia sorții și că o să decid singur și prin propriile mijloace dacă merg sau nu la pușcărie, că nu o să aștept din nou decizia unui alt om în privința libertății și vieții mele.
Astfel că am deliberat. O să fac bani și o să fug. Plec din țară. Îmi schimb înfățișarea, îmi fac acte, fac rost de bani iar după pa și pusi. Mă duce capul cât să mă descurc să fac și bani și să nu fiu nici prins. Gaborii sunt idioți și nu or să poată face nimic.
Deci, am început cu primul pas, să fac bani. Aici trebuie să spun că și până în momentul ăla, cum am menționat și anterior, făceam încă infracțiuni prin internet și făceam și bani. Dar nu îndeajuns pentru treaba asta. Pentru treaba asta îmi trebuiau bani serioși și aveam de gând să îi fac cât mai repede cu putință. Iar faptul că trebuia să fac mulți și repede m-a silit să renunț la unele măsuri de precauție pe care le-aș fi luat în mod normal ca să mă asigur că nu poate să mă depisteze nimeni în legătură cu operațiunile pe care le făceam. Iar lucrul ăsta a fost și cel din urmă care m-a făcut să îmi pierd libertatea.
Menționez că eram și depedent de pariuri sportive la momentul ăla, ca să se înțeleagă.
Apucă-te și fă bani. Propune-ți ca în două săptămâni să faci 10.000 euro. Faci mai mult de 10.000 euro după două săptămâni. „Hai să-i înmulțesc, să fac mai mulți că am nevoie.” Îi joci la pariuri, pierzi. Repetă cu 20.000. Același rezultat. Repetă cu și mai mulți dar fă aceeași greșeală din nou și din nou și din nou. Între timp se instalează paranoia, știi că greșești și știi că asta implică riscuri, că ai putea fi prins. Legea spune că nu au voie să intre peste tine înainte de șase dimineața. Pui alarma la cinci și ai bagajul pregătit în fiecare dimineață, în caz că vine garda ți-ai luat geanta și ai fugit (la momentul ăla locuiam tot la casa de la țară la ai mei – ideea era că eu îi pot vedea venind pe șosea înainte să ajungă la mine și pot fugi prin spatele casei într-un timp de reacție decent, cu un avantaj de cel puțin două minute și jumătate cât le ia să spargă o poartă din fier masiv). Ți-e frică totuși, în interiorul tău ai sentimentul că ceva s-ar putea să nu meargă bine, că ȘTII că ceva nu o să meargă bine. Totuși, stick with the plan. Reușești și pui ceva bani deoparte, pe ăștia i-ai fentat cumva de la a deveni parte din profitul caselor de pariuri. Ia-ți chirie în Berlin. Ia-ți acte false. Ia-ți mașină să te scoată din țară. Toate astea costă și nu ai destul cât să îți ajungă pentru toate întrucât să ai totul pus la punct perfect. Zici că pleci peste două zile, amâni. Vine ziua, amâni iar. „Până la urmă lasă, fac cât pot și cu o zi înainte de proces plec. În ziua când vine condamnarea eu o sa fiu deja ieșit din țară, o să fiu chiar în spațiul Schengen și de acolo mă mișc mult mai ușor. E ok. O să meargă”. Ziua procesului era pe 22 septembrie 2015.
14 septembrie 2015. Noaptea trecută de abea ai dormit, de fapt așa e în fiecare noapte că de mult nu ai mai dormit cum trebuie. Nu mai poți să dormi, cum dracului să mai dormi când știi în ce situație de căcat ești. Faci exact ceea ce ai făcut în fiecare zi până atunci, bani. Dar de ceva timp nici pe ăștia nu mai poți să îi faci cum trebuie. Ai început să îți asumi riscuri mai mari dar banii sunt tot mai puțini. Pur și simplu nu mai merge. Nu mai merge și gata. Nu ai noroc în viață. Stres maxim, nu știi ce să faci. Vine noaptea și te gândești că lasă, mâine o să iasă mai bine. Vrei să te culci. Ca de obicei, intră rutina paranoică în funcțiune. Bagaj – verificat. Bani – verificat. Acte – verificat. Alarmă la telefon – verificat (eu nu mă trezesc fără alarmă. Nici atunci și nici acum). Pui telefonul sub pernă ca să fii sigur că îl auzi. Pui capul pe pernă și încerci să adormi. Mai trec câteva minute – beep beep beep – your iPhone battery is under 10%. „Futu-ți morții mă-tii”. Vrei să îl pui la încărcat, dar ești deja super obosit și parcă îți pică ochii în cap. Nu știi ce să faci. „Lasă, îmi bag pula, nu au venit până acum nu or să vină nici mâine. NU SE POATE SĂ VINĂ CHIAR MÂINE. NU AR FI CORECT”. Pui capul pe pernă și adormi.
15 septembrie 2015. Ora 06:00. Zgomot. Gălăgie. Nu ai timp să reacționezi pentru că primul lucru pe care îl auzi fix în momentul în care creierul tău a ieșit din starea de somn e „Poliția, deschide. Deschide bă că spargem ușa!”. Primul lucru care îl vezi sunt mascații postați în fața ușii tale. Au intrat. Mandat de percheziție și mandat de aducere.
VIAȚĂ 1 – 0 TU
Iar după aceea, am fost dus la Cluj. Reținut, arestat preventiv, condamnat, liberat condiționat în martie 2018. Mai pe scurt, trimis între tot felul de nenorociți, criminali, violatori și așa mai departe, în niște condiții mizere și mult prea josnice pentru demintatea unei ființe umane. Dar despre subiectul ăsta o să scriu alt articol, altă dată. Momentan e de ajuns.
Povestioară scurtă de final: Când au venit băieții de la Cluj cu mascații peste mine, eu am vrut să fac pe băiatul bun care colaborează că poate scap cumva ca și prima dată, adică mă duc să dau o declarație și mă întorc. Dar am dus planul într-atât de departe, încât într-o fracțiune de secundă înainte ca ei să intre peste mine deja m-am gândit la toată desfășurarea poveștii ăsteia în modul mai sus-menționat, așa că am ascuns repede portofelul cu toți banii în pernă și am tras fermoarul gândindu-mă că după ce mă întorc acasă tot o să am nevoie de ei să fug. După ce au intrat am făcut pe inocentul și le-am dat tot ce au vrut cu indicații precise – „da, mai am și un laptop ascuns acolo, mai sunt și telefoanele alea prin mașină, mai am și niște hard-diskuri aruncate pe colo, dar stați să vedeți că vă dau și parolele de la toate conturile mele, uitați, haideți să deschidem PC-ul să vedeți că nu vă mint. Vă dau tot. Da` stați să vedeți că vă dau chiar și date despre ăla despre care știu eu că mai face că i-am luat toate informațiile, e un hacker d`ăsta de prin București” – „Auzi, băiatu`*, da` banii, banii unde sunt? Că știm că ai și de ăia. Dă și banii dacă tot ești tu așa de colaborativ”*. – Stai dom`le așa că banii nu îi am în cash că i-am transformat pe toți în Bitcoin că știam că veniți. Da` nu îi mai vreau, vă dau tot. Vrei să îți dau adresa de la portofelul Bitcoin? Hai că ți-o dau. Uite acuma îți dau datele. Vrei să le și verificăm? Acuma` le verificăm, nu e nicio problemă. Eu sunt băiat serios.
Ăia chiar au mușcat-o și m-au crezut, desigur, fără să încerce să verifice datele pe care eu le-am oferit de la un portofel de Bitcoin care nici măcar nu exista pentru că nu puteau să facă asta atunci, lucrurile astea urmau să se facă pe parcursul anchetei. Urmau să plece din camera mea să continue percheziția și în restul casei. Au ieșit civilii, ies și eu. Un mascat în fața mea și unul în spate. Dau să ies din cameră, mă trage ăla din spate – „ia stai bă așa.”. Se uită la pernă, i se pare că stătea puțin strâmb, după cum chiar el mi-a zis în mașină. Băi, puțin strâmb. Adică PUȚIN. Și stătea așa fix din cauză că portofelul era umflat cu bani. Se oprește, ia perna și o întoarce. Ditamai umflătura. Deschide fermoarul – începe să plouă cu bani. Băi, curgeau, la propriu, parcă era Dunărea când se varsă în Marea Neagră. „Ia veniți colegii înapoi că am mai găsit ceva”. La care reacția ofițerilor BCCO care desfășurau percheziția a fost „ia uite măi, unde era portofelul lui virtual. În pernă.”

submitted by AgitatedBenefit to Romania [link] [comments]


2013.09.25 15:58 asagix ELIS: How to overcome the fear of close relationships?

Please only answer if you have something helpful to say. I'm really scared that some answers may support my fears.

I'm a 26 year old male and I never had a girlfriend. I somehow always was able to overcome my fears when necessary for school and work, but I never can open up for close relationships. I spend most of my time alone, in front of the pc. I also take medication for my fears and depression.
I tried online dating a few times and have a few accounts on different sites, but I was always too shy to talk to the girls. All of them seem so normal and somehow perfect in relation to me. My room is a mess and I can't motivate myself to shower often enough, only every third day. The reason for that is that I'm always alone and depressed.
I also am afraid to show my body, because I'm 175cm with 89kg and have a few moles that I don't like and I also have "Hirsuties coronae glandis" on my penis. My hair is also a little bit thinner than it should be at my age.
It feels like I have to get rejected very often until I find a girl that could accept me how I am and this scares me a lot. Even if I find a girl, she might also be someone that I don't really like.
Edit: I know that I only told you the negativ stuff about me here, but these are the problems that are holding me in isolation.
submitted by asagix to Explainlikeimscared [link] [comments]


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